Foreseen Events
by jmolly
Summary: "Unforeseen Events" gone wrong: "Your funeral, Mr. Arrogant. Go ahead, then. I'll just say 'I told you so' later." Little did I imagine that the things Alice Saw would make so much trouble. See, it was always her fault. I swear.
1. Chapter 1

**Foreseen Events**

**Caution: lemony flavour and rude, nasty language designed to irritate the readers who love Eloquent Romantic Edward, my main man. Come on! Laugh. Rated M.**

**Everything Twilight belongs to Stephenie Meyer and Summit. Only this warped idea belongs to me.**

**A parody of my first fic, "Unforeseen Events". **

_**Merry Christmas, 2009, with love from jmolly!**_

_**Congratulations. I'm roasting you. :)**_

**This fic was written in honour of Bookishqua, my Evil Twin. Love you Books. Thanks for every pm with which you've blessed me. I keep them all. But I bet you haven't read my work. Yet:D LOL.**

**Also dedicated with love to Boston Peg, Kid Sis Emma, Vamp Daughter Carrie, and Val the Kiwi, who are family to me. The best friends for whom anybody could ask, online or off. **

**Special thanks goes to my loyal readers and regular reviewers, some of whom have been with me since Day One: **

**blondiemarie, just me reading, Carrie loves twilight, cullenlover2, nicolleio, favludo, kitcatCullen13, stephibaby, mrs. alec, denisemh, Just Mione, vampyregurl09, Emma-MasenCullen, bookworm19065, AchillesMonkey, myyoung228, and GrahamsMomAngel. **

**Thanks also goes to those of you who have sent in a single review or a pm. And thanks to all those who have subscribed or favoured me or my works. Contact me. I'd love to meet you:)**

**I hope I haven't missed anyone. You, gentle reader, are a gift to me. **

**Why a parody? To expose you innocents to more of my wicked sense of humour. I've read a _lot_ of hackneyed descriptions. Some of you have unwittingly mentioned expressions and characterizations, used by authors, that drive you crazy. Unbeknownst to you, I wrote them all down. The sole purpose? To annoy you with them now. You _know_ who you are. And I want to play with these irritants, tongue firmly planted in cheek. **

**It's Christmastime. I'm sitting with my feet up, laptop in hand, admiring my tree and the fire in the fireplace. I'd love to read aloud to you, but alas, must settle for sending you print. Grab a beverage, put up your feet, and enjoy!**

**Don't forget I've posted playlists for 'Toasty Warm' and 'Prenuptual Posturing' on my channel: youtubedotcom/jmollytwilight/**

**This story is guaranteed to assassinate my canon. But it's still vamp/human and traditional pairings.**

"**Toasty Warm" is nominated for 3 awards on the Two Sides of Twilight forum. I'd love to compete, just so more readers try me. I really need more feedback from people in order to grow as a writer.**

Story: Toasty Warm

Categories: Best Breaking Dawn Fanfic, Best Comedy, Best Sex (Lemon)

I need 3 more nominations in these categories in order to take part. Will you please nominate me? Got any friends who might help me too? Here's the link. You just go to it and add a post. It's easy.

http://forumdotfanfictiondotnet/topic/66481/20624122/1/

**So here's your prezzie. Will you give me a gift? Review, and make my day merry.**

**Chapter 1: Blame It On The Evil Little Pixie. It Saves You from Being Responsible for Your Own Actions**

**25 days before the wedding**

**Edward's pov:**

It was all Alice's fault. _Everything_ was her doing. Why should I claim responsibility? I was the favourite son. I was perfect.

It was the Ritalin poster child's fault that we had agreed to this overblown wedding. Bella and I just should have taken that trip to Vegas. It would have saved so much aggravation. But we were scared of the little freak. She had us all walking on eggshells. Had Jasper been a weaker guy, he'd have set himself on fire by now just to escape all the turmoil his wife was creating in the house.

It was even worse at home when Rose was around. She'd been changed at, um, a pug-ugly time of the month and now she had permanent PMS. _Forever._ Poor Em.

Bella and I got conscripted earlier in the day into posing for lewd photos for the Engagement Announcement. Alice's fault. The Pixie demanded that we pretend to make love 7 different ways, and then she took pictures from provocative angles. How could a perpetually horny 17 year old body refuse? The challenge Alice issued was irresistible, factoring in the minxy dress Bella had on. Who could blame me? It was a boner. Uh, a no-brainer. Oh. Same difference.

While The Pixie and The Eternal Bee-yotch were sniping over the photos, deciding which ones to feed to the grapevine, Bella and I spruced off. We had to get rid of some angst. Carlisle wasn't the only one who liked to play doctor in the woods. 'Course, Bella and I couldn't go very far. Having a girlfriend who passed out whenever I breathed on her too hard really put a damper on the festivities. It was a real turn off whenever I groped her and she needed CPR. And I always had to decide how long I could persist before I stopped her heart permanently. Unlike Eric Yorkie, I had no interest in necrophilia.

After electrifying our systems long enough to get a lasting buzz, Bella and I returned to the house. We got there just in time to see Em rescue Jazz. The big lug was carrying my brother-in-law over his shoulder, out into the woods. Jazz was screaming and clutching his head. Not a good sign. It seemed the females had finally driven him around the bend. Emo.

Bella and I stopped and looked at each other like deer on the menu. We were in the soup. I could have heard Thing One and Thing Two's mental shouting from miles away, had I been paying attention. My mate was so delectably distracting that I didn't always listen for trouble.

"Better face the music," I sighed.

"What do you _call_ that kind of music? Schönberg?" Bella responded sarcastically.

"Metallica."

"Shit."

The front door crashed open and smashed into a million tiny, tinkly bits. Esme was gonna be pissed. Bella hid behind me, and I flinched. Four-foot- nothing demented fairy makes six-foot-two depraved virgin flinch.

"Where the fuck have you been?!" The Pixie demanded at the top of her lungs. "Do you ingrates appreciate all the hard work I'm doing for you? The least you could do is stick around and choose the ..." Alice paused and gave a sniff, turning down the volume. "Have you been screwing?"

Had I been capable, I would have been bright red. "No, Boss. You know we can't do that. I would probably break Bella like a wishbone. She's fragile as a soap bubble, you know." _And thanks for pointing out that I am totally cock-blocked. Makes me feel so masculine._

"Alice? You know, this big, fancy wedding was your idea, so if it's too much for you then Edward and I can go to Vegas instead," Bella suggested hopefully, blinking rapidly as she always did when confronting Bridesmaidzilla. It was as though Bella were afraid she was about to become lunch. No worries about that. I'd assist Alice into the chipper-shredder if she so much as licked her lip.

I perked up immediately. Vegas: No more consultations about black tie versus morning suits. And I'd get to mambo with Bella that much sooner. Horizontally. Sign me up.

"Bella! How could you even suggest such a thing? You don't love me. Nobody does. I'm going to go pitch myself into a volcano." Alice put a hand to her tortured brow and sobbed melodramatically. Manipulative mini drama queen.

"Oh, cut it out Alice! You know I won't spoil your fun. You are such a bitch sometimes. Don't you know Edward and I are perpetually frustrated? How would _you_ like it if your heart stopped every time you got close to seeing the white light?"

"PMS, much?" the pixie snarled.

"No, that would be Rose," I corrected quietly,

"Spruce off, Edward. Why don't you go impale yourself on a stake?" snarled the aforementioned blond she-devil.

"Okay! I'll clear out, but I'm taking Bella with me. Bella hasn't eaten today. I'm starting to think she's anorexic. I need to go feed her some people-food. I don't want her being all 'skin and bones' forever. And I think I'll wax her legs too. If I think she can tolerate it, I might even give her a Brazilian. I don't want her to be eternally hairy like you. "

"Apologize or I'll suck your girlfriend dry." Rose eyed me beadily.

"In what way?" I said archly.

"Ewww," said Bella, wrinkling her nose at Rosalie and smacking my arm. All _that _garnered her was a sore hand. One should never strike a marble Adonis.

"What do you mean, 'ew'?" Rose demanded. "I'll have you know that I am the gorgeous-est, awesome-mostest hottie on the planet. Just ask Emmy Bear." Rose preened herself in the back of a teaspoon.

Bella hid behind my back. Her voice was a little muffled as she said, "Well, I'm not into that stuff. If I were, I'm sure I'd find you an awesome...uh...whatever ...hottie. But I'm so straight a carpenter could use me to measure crap."

"You keep your nasty paws off my Emmy Bear. He's not measuring anything with you." Rose growled, twirling her hair. Bella whimpered. In a bad way. Fuck. Carlisle originally thought I could bond with _Rose_? Not. Even. Funny.

Speaking of whom...

Carlisle came stomping into the room, attired in black leather pants and a dog collar. "Would you little shits kindly stop bickering and shut the hell up? I brought you into this world and I can take you out of it. Your mother and I are trying to have sex. And you are not helping my dick stay hard. I'm old, you know?! Fuckers." Carlisle snatched the pile of photos from Alice and thrust them into my arms.

"Don't be a pantywaist, Edward. Just pick one of the damn things so Alice shuts up. And then, _go away_. Go feed the human or something." Carlisle pounded away and then his bedroom door slammed. I looked down at the photos, and began sorting through them.

_Boing! _Instant swollen member. These were more effective than Viagra. Or so I imagined. Oh, _yeah_... Mr Ed _liked_ Bedward porn. But shit, Charlie wouldn't. And we were trying not to rock _that_ leaky boat because we were almost as afraid of him as we were of Alice.

I took a deep breath and prepared for total global annihilation. I set a stern eye on The Pixie. "Alice, you know these will freak Charlie out. We'll have to take a different one. A chaste one. Let's do it tomorrow."

"Nooooo," Alice wailed. "No fair. I need it done _today_ so I can run it in tomorrow's paper in all 50 states, and the deadline is midnight. You're such a bluenose, Edward!" She sniffled and pouted until her eyes started to cross.

Vegas was looking better by the second...

"I _Saw_ that, Edward Cullen! If you elope, I will tell Charlie you've been sleeping with Bella almost every night since 2003!"

"Bitch."

"Men call every woman who asserts herself a bitch. I'll take it as a compliment."

"At least Bella will never get that compliment. She hardly ever asserts herself. Except when it comes to preventing me from doing the right thing and leaving her human. My Bella is very accommodating. That's why we haven't done the dirty yet, you know. My resistance would crumble pretty quickly if she crooked her baby finger and said 'please', but she never does."

Crap. Bella was too smart. She was filing that nugget away for future reference. How would I follow through if she called me on my claim?

I guessed we'd just have to Do It pretty fast, before Bella's heart stopped for too long to enable resuscitation. But I was a vampire. A perpetual 17 year old degenerate. I didn't think shooting my load quickly would be a problem. At least not for me.

Hey, I'd promised Bella we'd have sex, _not_ that it would be _good_ sex.

The Evil Pixie's eyes blanked out. Swell. That was never good news. Suddenly, Bella's phone buzzed. "I don't think you should go out on this date with Bella tomorrow, Edward. It will _not_ be relaxing," Alice dictated.

I ignored her.

Bella picked up. "Hello? Oh, hi Ang. How are you?" After the small talk, I heard Ang suggest a double date to a matinee the next afternoon. I nodded enthusiastically. No Bridesmaidzilla tomorrow. And what could be more stressful than_ her_? The Pixie was feeding us a load of bull to keep us under her thumb.

Bella accepted the invitation, looking cheerful. It made me feel positively perky. We'd spend the whole afternoon in a nice, dark, quiet theatre. Grrr. What could be better than that?

"You'll be sorreeee!" Alice sang smugly.

"I doubt it," I responded.

"Your funeral, Mr. Arrogant. Go ahead, then. I'll just say 'I told you so' later."

I rolled my eyes and shut my mind. "Whatever. I'm taking Bella home. Hopefully there's food in her fridge."

"Nope. And don't feed her cheeseburgers."

"I had steak and cobbler in mind, actually."

"That's not much better. She's gonna be the size of a walrus if you keep it up."

I looked at Bella and rolled my eyes again. What a gas. Like I could ever convince her to eat that much. I was serious about the anorexia.

"Yeah, right, sister. That sounds plausible."

Rose interrupted, "Do you two ever notice that you talk about Bella in front of her, like she's not here? It's sorta rude, you know." Bella crossed her arms and looked from me to Alice and back again.

"Well, I have to make decisions for her. She's a lot younger than me and she's a danger magnet," I protested. Bella shrugged placidly and went back to chewing her fingernails. I wondered if she'd let me bite them for her. That would be minxy. I eyed her with my tongue hanging out.

"Get a room!" Rose the Cat spit at me.

"Good idea. See you later, sisters." I grabbed Bella and carried her out to the car. I didn't want her burning calories by walking excessively. If she were going to burn calories, there were better ways to do it.

Little did I imagine that the things Alice foresaw would make so much trouble. See, it was always her fault. I swear.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2: Drat! Why Did the Pixie Have to Butt Out _This_ Time? It Never Stopped Her Before!**

**Lemon. Kinda. Don't say I never warned _ja._ This chapter contains a lot of rude language and revolting use of the nickname 'Babe'. Some of you know I did it just to annoy you personally. So laugh.**

**The song "Tomorrow", from the musical "Annie", belongs to its respective owners.**

**The song "Mister Ed" belongs to its respective owners, as does the terrific 1961-6 TV show of the same name. Lyrics came from wwwdotbussongsdotcom and the Youtube video of the song is embedded on the site.**

**All Twilight belongs to Stephenie and Summit. Only the warped storyline is mine.**

**Edward's pov:**

_A horse is a horse, of course, of course,  
And no one can talk to a horse of course  
That is, of course, unless the horse is the famous Mister Ed. _

_Go right to the source and ask the horse  
He'll give you the answer that you'll endorse.  
He's always on a steady course.  
Talk to Mister Ed. _

_People yakkity yak a streak and waste your time of day  
But Mr. Ed will never speak unless he has something to say _

_A horse is a horse, of course, of course,  
And this one'll talk 'til his voice is hoarse.  
You never heard of a talking horse? _

_Well listen to this: "I'm Mister Ed._"

I hated my diminutive sister.

Turns out, Ben Cheney was moulding young Angela into a very bad girl. And Ang was determined to drag Bella down to her level. Which would have been okay if we were married. But we weren't. Yet. And neither was Angela. Floozy.

What Angela had described as an art movie was no less than a very badly acted porno from Amsterdam, of the '_Ooh! Ja!_' variety. It made 'Debbie Does Dallas' look like a children's educational program. Ten minutes into the flick, Ang and Ben were in each others' pants. Between watching the movie, and watching them, and seeing what was in their heads, and looking at Bella's very short skirt and shapely legs, I was drowning in smut. And part of me liked it. The bulging part.

Angela had really big melons. And Ben was getting busy in his head. I squirmed uncomfortably. That's when Bella's hand landed nonchalantly on my raging best friend, Mr. Ed. My very large, very lonely, perpetually 17-year-old manhood. Fuck. Me. I started rubbing myself against her palm. I couldn't help it. Bella's nearness kicked me into instinctive motion.

No, wait. We couldn't. I mean, what if I lost control and bit her here, in front of humans! The Volturi wouldn't like it. I moved Bella's hand back off me, onto her knee. She glared at me. Two minutes later, her hand was back. I moved it again. Bella growled. Mr. Ed was furious with me. Why wasn't I listening to his advice? What kind of friend was I? I decided I'd better throw them both a boner. Uh, a bone.

My fingers slid up Bella's skirt and played over her like she was a piano. She wasn't wearing underwear. I'd have to have a serious discussion with her about her friendship with Angela. Bella moaned and kissed me with abandon. I felt a pull from my nether regions. _Ooh, ja! _Forget the discussion. I made a mental note to thank Angela.

My fingers ran down the length of Bella's slick folds. Heat radiated from her hot centre and she smelled divine. Her palms were slippery against my neck. _Ooh,_ _ja!_ _Ja, ja, ja! _Minxy Bella wanted me. I was the man.

I smiled angelically, waggling my brows, and Bella nodded. We excused ourselves and literally ran for the Vulva. Uh, Volvo. I thought about taking her right there, in the middle of the Port, in broad daylight. Better not. We'd go to her place. Charlie would be at work for hours yet.

After pulling into the driveway, it took me exactly 3.2 seconds to get Bella upstairs and render us both naked as jaybirds. I admired her stiff peaks and glistening slit. Hubba hubba. Mr. Ed's drooling tongue rolled out onto the floor. I told him to behave. He gave me the finger.

"Are you sure, Babe? Because if you change your mind now, you know, I'm gonna remember forever that you are a Tease," I cautioned.

"I want to feel your hard shaft in my hot center. Now, Stud Muffin. It's time to pop the cherry and pump me like a piston."

_Ooh, ja!_ "I should warn you, Baby, that I might not last long. Most 17 year olds don't, uh, last very long. I'll take care of you after."

"Whatever. I want you. I'm ready. Take me. Now!" Bella opened her legs and showed me the man in the boat. Holy crow.

"Last chance, Bella," I warned, positioning Mr. Ed over her wet mound.

"Fuck me now and leave me dead, Edward," Bella yelled.

"How about just the fuck part?" I asked worriedly.

"Whatever. Just hurry up."

I grabbed hold of my rigid buddy and pushed firmly into Bella's moist hub. Ecstasy. After thrusting about a dozen times at vampire speed, I emitted a lion-like roar and Mr. Ed threw up a whole lot of spunk. I pulled out, groaning with satisfaction, and panted against Bella's neck. I was triumphant. I had kept my promise without killing her. In fact, she was still conscious. How great was that?! Mr, Ed gave us a standing ovation, and then collapsed, exhausted.

Bella's throat pulsed seductively. How I'd like to bury my teeth in it! If Bella were more durable, I could pound her like a piece of meat. Maybe next time, I reasoned. Oh, there was a wedding to consider. I'd have to wait. Red-eyed newborns and humans just didn't mix.

"Thank you, Babe. That was the best moment of my entire existence," I beamed. Bella pulled back and looked at me in confusion.

"You mean, you, uh ... Oh. Hmm. Edward? I hate to tell you this, but ... that was so fast I didn't even feel it. Although I must admit that I'm a little sore now. Did we really...?"

"Sorry, Babe. Told you. Seventeen forever. But don't worry. It will get better, I promise. We'll be able to practise for eternity once my dazzle doesn't send you into cardiac arrest."

Bella reached down and touched herself. Her fingers came up a little bloody. She started to swoon. "Don't worry Baby. I'll have you all cleaned up in a lick." I got up, pulled her down to the end of the bed, knelt and put my mouth where I knew she wanted it most. I ran my tongue over her womanly parts. She made noises that had my name all over them. And she was still conscious. That was a first. _Ooh, ja_, Baby! Yum.

I was sucking down my lover's hot, salty juices when something cold and cylindrical jammed up beside my head. Oh, fuck. Charlie. How I wished these Swans were legible! He juddered with rage.

"Oh, no! Charlie, please don't shoo-"

There was a deafening blast and something hit me hard on the right temple. It knocked me over on my left hip and I ripped the foot board off the bed as I fell. Bella screamed in terror and took refuge under the bed, nearly braining herself as it collapsed. Charlie shot me again, in the gut this time.

"Don't!" I howled. The bullet ricocheted madly around the room. Charlie ducked down and protected his head. After 12 ricochets, the magic bullet deigned to exit the house via the glass of the window. I vaulted over to Charlie, liberated the revolver from his grasp, and wadded it up into a little metal ball, glaring.

Charlie fell over on his ass with his legs splayed, eyes huge with shock, and gaped at me.

"Charlie!" I bellowed. "You _shot _me, you deranged son of a bitch! What the fuck?!" I fisted my hair so hard that I actually pulled some out. "Geez, I'd like to pound your self-righteous, judgemental, empty head into next Tuesday!"

I grabbed his shoulders and rattled his teeth for him, snarling. "It's been bad enough, putting up with Bella being grounded, and the visiting hours crap, and watching you try to push her and Jacob together, but to actually _shoot _me, Dunderfuck? Twenty-four days before the wedding? That. Is. So. Low. I thought better of you." I pushed Charlie's shoulder back, and heard it pop. Oh, wonderful. Carlisle was going to kill me.

A tiny whimper came out of Charlie's mouth. His eyes were blacker than mine. He stayed otherwise frozen. Bella peeked out from under the tilted bed, and pulled down a sheet to cover herself. Suddenly, she squeaked and covered her mouth.

"Oh, God! Edward? Charlie is bleeding."

And Bella was swooning amongst the dust bunnies. Shit. I turned my attention to Charlie. Belatedly, I realized that I'd heard no ricochet from the first shot. Oh. No.

A large pool of drool-worthy blood was rapidly gathering under my almost-father-in-law. It was soaking into the braided rug. What a waste. I patted Charlie down, searching for the injury, then fell back on my heels, gobsmacked.

The femoral artery. He had severed his fucking femoral artery. And there was only one way to save him.

Fuck.

I staunched the flow of blood with my hand, pressing hard. It wouldn't be enough. "Charlie, I know I've been an ass, but we don't have time to discuss this nicely. I am a vampire. Bella's known for two years. And my family and I don't harm people. Not on purpose anyhow. We drink the blood of animals.

"Regrettably, there are only two avenues open to you right now. If I don't do anything, you are going to die. If I bite you, you are going to have to deal with the bloodlust and the baggage that goes with being undead for all eternity. And you will have to obey me and Carlisle until you can behave well amongst humans. You need to choose. Now."

Charlie glared at what was visible of Bella under the bed and rediscovered his vocal cords. "You lying little wench! You have been lying to me about this for _two years_? What the hell are you thinking, marrying a monster!"

Charlie's eyes whipped around and fastened on me. "I always knew there was something weird about you, you conniving bastard."

"Whatever. I love your daughter. So sue me."

"How old are you?" Charlie demanded. How I hated it when people asked me that!

"Seventeen. Forever."

"No, I mean really," Charlie insisted.

"A lot older than you, Skippy. Do you want to die or what?!"

"I'd hate to die and leave this unresolved. I never walk away from a fight, pretty boy. Hopefully if I live, I will get to kick your ass into next week."

"If you want to survive in my family, you will not kick my ass. The coven will take you out if you try. Don't make me regret my offer," I snarled.

Charlie crossed his arms, pouting and considering his alternatives. "I'm too young to die. Bite me!" he finally barked.

"Babe?" I said hollowly. I just knew I would regret this.

Tears were running down Bella's beautiful face. "I can't have Charlie's death on my conscience, Muffin. I can't plan my Dad's funeral alongside our wedding."

"Okay. We'll settle Charlie at home, Babe, and then we are going to Vegas. Tonight. We can't get married in a venue rife with humans. On the bright side, I'm sure you will be gratified to hear that I will be turning you earlier than planned."

"Hurray," Bella clapped. I rolled my eyes. Bella jumped up and put on fresh clothes. Alice would tell the family, and they'd be here any minute.

"Hey, Dracula? Remember me? Dying, here," Charlie said. I refocused on him with difficulty. I was liking the idea of an early wedding. Charlie was right, however. He was sickly grey and fading fast.

"Charlie? This is going to hurt. A lot. You'll finish burning in three days. Then, I'll start training you. Last chance to give up the ghost."

"I'm not ready to meet God. I'll take my chances with you. Get the bloody show on the road."

I fished the bullet out at vampire speed, and horked a wad of silvery venom into the torn artery. It sealed almost instantaneously. Cool. Bella and Charlie gawped at the sight. Guess Charlie hadn't been quite sure I was telling the truth.

The burn started. Charlie grabbed his thigh and started shaking. He looked at me, fearfully. Finally, I felt sorry for him. Poor dolt.

"Look, Charlie, I've been under oath not to tell you anything. On pain of death. Bella's been in danger at times for knowing too much, even though my government has sanctioned our mate bond. I'm sorry. Really. But we've spilled the milk now. You will know everything about me and Bella from now on. I promise, no more secrets." I patted his head consolingly.

"Now, I'm sorry to hurt you, but you'll change faster if I bite you several times. It would be best if you try to relax."

"Okay. I'll try. Bella, will you hold my hand?"

"Sure, Dad. Of course. I do love you, you know. We'd have much preferred to tell you all of this last year, but we were afraid the Volturi would come and hurt you."

"I love you too, Bells, in spite of all this. I wish you'd told me, but I can guess why you couldn't. Sorry I shot you, Edward."

"Nothing to be sorry for, Charlie. I don't even have a headache. Do you forgive me?"

"Yeah. Sure, sure. We'll work things out after."

"Thank you, Sir. Turn your face away and count to ten. Charlie did as I commanded. Bella counted aloud with him while I took hold of his wrist and bit down firmly. I pushed the venom out of the ducts in my teeth, into Charlie's veins. I pulled up my head, and attacked the other wrist. The neck was the hardest part. It was kinda creepy being that close to him. Bella looked at me in wonder. I really didn't get why she found vampirism so glamourous. Perhaps it was a female thing.

God help me. I hoped he'd be an obedient newborn. I had the feeling he'd be hell on wheels. I finished up my task with Charlie's ankles and knees. He was pretty tasty, which didn't help me in my quest to stop fantasizing about remodelling his daughter.

I wiped blood from the corner of my mouth and inspected the bite marks. They were already starting to gloss over with a silver rime. "Now, we wait. We will not leave you alone. Don't be frightened. You'll be conscious most of the time, unfortunately."

Charlie winced and nodded in acknowledgement. "It burns really bad, Edward," he wheezed.

"Yes, Charlie. I know." I hung my head in shame.

"Hey, kid! Forget it. I tried to kill you, after all. Maybe we should just try to get along."

"I'd like that, Sir."

There was a sound in the room like a bomb going off. All three of us flinched. Fuck. Thing One was standing in the bedroom inside the smashed window, looking like she'd arrived straight from Hell. There was now a Pixie-shaped hole in the wall around it. Thing Two was standing with her hands on her hips in front of the flattened bedroom door. I belatedly remembered I was naked.

The Evil Pixie roared like the demon she was and flattened me to the floor. A constant stream of _I'm going to kill you, you dickwad! _rang in my head like a tape. Alice grabbed hold of my package and attempted to remove same from my body. I screamed like a sissy and held onto it for dear life.

Bella launched herself at Alice, landed on her back and beat her about the head with a shoe. Alice turned and threw my great defender to the floor. They glared at each other. I rolled into fetal position and defended the family jewels. Mr. Ed tried to turn himself inside out and hide.

"That's _mine_, sister. Keep your paws off him!" Bella roared.

"Bella! You two have _ruined _the entire wedding! Couldn't you have waited three more measly weeks?! I mean, really! Now, we have to cancel. This is a total fubar clusterfuck!"

"Alice? Tough shit. Deal with it. Edward and I are going to Vegas. Then, he's turning me early. No arguments."

"Fine!" Alice sobbed. "Will you let me do the wedding in a year? Just for fun?"

"If you keep a better leash on yourself than you have while planning this one. But one step over the top next time, and I'll call it off forever."

"Can I at least come to Vegas with you? Be a witness?"

"Sure, sure. Why not?" Bella shrugged.

Why. Not. Why_ not_? _I'd _tell Alice why not!

"No. Bloody. Way." I snarled.

"But why, Edward? You know I love you both." The rotten piece of work had the gall to flutter her eyelashes at me.

"Mary Alice Brandon Cullen Hale! You just tried to detach a vital part of me from my body. And you had to have foreseen all of this. And you did nothing about it!"

"Well, there was a 50-50 chance that everything would be fine. But _noooo! _ My _perfect _brother chooses wrong every time. Did he listen to my advice? Nuh-uh. Did he walk out of the theatre? He did not. Did he act like a gentleman and leave Bella's hymen intact? He did not. Did he listen for Charlie? No, way, José. And then Charlie made another wrong choice and ended up part of the coven. Men! Can't kill 'em, can't live without 'em."

There was another ungodly boom from downstairs, and then two sets of cacophonous feet were rushing toward me. I put my hands on the back of my neck and hid my head between my knees, panicking. I was in deep, _deep_ shit.

Carlisle and Esme stood before me. I squeezed my eyes shut. Death? Come swiftly.

"Edward Anthony Masen Cullen!!! WHAT THE FUCK HAVE YOU DONE!" I'd never heard Carlisle yell so loud.

I cringed down, even further. Bella flew at me and covered my back protectively, and looked beseechingly up at Carlisle.

"It's my fault," Bella shrieked. She modulated her voice. "I made him sit with my so-called friends and watch a porno with me. And then I told him to take me. It was all my idea. How were we to know Charlie would shoot him? Blame me, not him."

I peeped up and decided I wasn't about to be dismembered. Yet. The three parents were all looking at Bella like they'd never met her before. TMI, I guess.

"It's not Bella's fault. She's just a dear little lamb. If you want to point fingers, blame Alice."

"What?!" The Pixie shrilled indignantly.

"I'm just dying to hear this one. Elucidate." Carlisle crossed his arms and tapped his foot.

"She didn't warn me. She saw it coming, and she said nothing. Even when I tell her to leave my future alone, she always looks. So as much as I hate her looking, I count on it. See? She's jealous of me. She hates me. She wanted to get me in trouble."

"Alice?" Carlisle glared as he waited to hear her side of the story.

"That's _so_ unfair. I tried to warn him, and he hurt my feelings. He's mean to me." Alice's pouty lips quivered and her eyes crossed. The expression was heart-breaking. Stupid cute baby sister. She always got away with shit.

Carlisle and Esme turned seething eyes on me. Crap. I was in the soup for sure.

"Edward, you had best own up to your behaviour. It will go easier on both of you misfits if you just suck it up like a man," Carlisle advised.

I paused and reflected for a minute. If I tried to avoid punishment, they might just put me in the chipper-shredder that Bella was always whispering about. Or Bella might get blamed. Carlisle often said he would suspend punishment if the guilty party confessed. I decided honesty might be prudent for once. It didn't come easily to me, though. I steeled myself to admit fault. It was painful.

"Fine! I'm a bad old lion and I tried to be good but I just _couldn't_ because I'm weak. So I humped my fiancée and got caught. Charlie shot me. Twice. Stupidhead ended up with a bullet in him. I tried my hardest to remedy a bad situation, by not allowing Charlie to bleed out after trying to shoot me, seconds after consummating my relationship with his daughter, but I _know_ I wasn't supposed to bite him and for breaking the treaty, I am sorry," I explained.

"It just wouldn't have been a good afterglow to let him die," I added thoughtfully.

Carlisle fisted his hair. I'd never seen him do it before. "Aargh! You moron! You are a _complete_ social fuck-up! I can't believe this. I expected better from you. Now the wolves will be after us."

"Edward Anthony Masen Cullen, you are _so _grounded. Bella? You, too. As soon as you're a vampire I'm going to kick both your butts." Esme threatened. We hung our heads in shame. But hopefully, we'd be grounded to our bedroom. There had to be a silver lining.

"And you will not be spending any of that grounding together. At all," Esme growled. Bella and I looked at each other, broken-hearted. "Sorry," I mouthed at my mate. She started to sniffle. I cradled her close and kissed her tears away.

"What ever happened to, 'tell me the truth and I'll go easy on you'?" I asked tentatively.

"We _are _going easy on you. You have no idea what damage I'd like to inflict on you at this moment. So stop whining. We have to move fast." Carlisle stopped to think. "Edward, you have to bite Bella. Now!"

"We're going to Vegas first, and then I'll bite her," I promised.

"Forget that. She and Charlie have to burn at the same time. Just think how cozy it would be if he woke up holding her appealing human hand. You could say goodbye to her then, Edward, and cry every time you smell lavender, freesia and strawberries or hear 'Clair de Lune'. Do you _want_ another trip to Italy?"

"No... Okay, _okay_. I'll bite her. Stop yelling, you're scaring me. Please, Dad?"

Carlisle sighed a big sigh and counted to a hundred thousand in his head. "You won't be able to manage Bella alone. We'll have to make this a tag team effort. I've never managed two newborns at the same time before. We'll need Jasper." Carlisle tried to iron his forehead with his palm. It didn't seem to be helping.

Another crash sounded downstairs and the floor listed a couple of inches. Why weren't people coming in the normal way? Em presented himself in the bedroom doorway, grinning hugely.

"What the fuck, stud? Did you get laid? Doesn't that beat all. Way to go, Bedward. Houya! I wish I had my camera ..." Emmett laughed evilly.

The house was groaning. Shit. We needed to get out.

"Okay, people. Out of the house, _now_. Edward? Carry Bella. Emmett? Take Charlie. Hope you don't need anything, because you aren't likely getting it." Carlisle grimaced, grabbed Alice and Rose by the ears and pulled them, squealing, out of the window.

Charlie rolled his eyes as Emmett heaved him up like a sack of flour and jumped out of the house. Bella grabbed her blue blouse, her photo album, and her copy of 'Wuthering Heights'. I swept her up and vaulted out after Emmett. Esme followed me, nagging the whole time.

We barely had time to turn and look as the house groaned and tipped off-kilter. Then, the whole damn thing collapsed in on itself, leaving nothing but the roof and a column of thick grey dust. We gawped at it.

Charlie whimpered a little. Emmett patted him consolingly. "It's okay Charlie. I know how it hurts when your house gets knocked down. Rose and I ruined lots of houses during our first year of marriage. Don't worry, we're richer than sin. You can have a nice new house when you want one."

"Edward? Bite Bella. Now." Carlisle's eyes burned like black lasers. I was surprised they didn't leave holes in me.

I carried Bella a brief distance into the woods and looked carefully into her eyes.

"It's what I want, Edward. Take me. Make me yours."

"I'm sorry we can't make you comfortable first, sweetheart. I was hoping to give you morphine." I said regretfully.

"I hate to tell you this, but the morphine doesn't help. Just get it over with, please. I'm ready." Bella turned her face away from me and presented her jugular.

I kissed Bella lightly and told her how much I loved her. Then I sank my teeth into her tender flesh. Ambrosia. Shit!

I didn't drink from her. On my oath. Much.

I injected my venom and helped Bella to the ground. Then I left my indelible mark on her wrists and ankles and inner thighs. Bella bit back a cry each time I bit her. When it was finished, I set her on my lap and rocked her while she trembled. I liked the thought of my teethmarks being on her sparkly, marble skin forever. _Edward was here._

"Fuck sakes, Edward. I didn't even get to see the white light."

"Sorry love. I will make it up to you as soon as humanly, uh, _inhumanly_ possible." As I spoke, I heard a strange rustling. Oh. No. God was punishing me for 104 years of sins, for certain.

A great pair of black eyes materialized amidst the trees.

_I am dead I am dead I am dead I am dead I am dead _

Another set of eyes joined the first. Oh, fuck. My head whipped around anxiously, and two more pairs of eyes appeared in the darkness. Bella and I were surrounded. I tucked her face into the crook of my neck so she couldn't see our oncoming demise. Unfortunately, it displayed the wound I'd inflicted to advantage. I quickly undid Bella's pony tail and pulled her curtain of hair over her neck.

"Edward Cullen" the wolf thought at me.

"Oh, um, _ahem_, ... hello, Sam. How are you today? Nice day for a, uh ... walk through the woods," I said, tittering nervously and attempting to cover Bella's wrist.

"You have bitten a human," Sam stated.

Two of the other wolves were snarling. Jacob and Leah. It just _had _to be Jacob and Leah. And I just _had _to be naked. Swell. I couldn't decide whether to summon help or let the pack finish us quickly before my existence could get any more embarrassing.

I decided to fight alone. I didn't want anybody else in my family to get hurt if it was avoidable.

"Uh, no, not_ me_ Sam. I _found _her like this. Honest. Danger magnet. There was some sort of, um, _altercation_, at the Swan residence."

"You don't say," Sam thought sarcastically. "Billy happened to witness that altercation, Cold One. So we tracked you here. Perhaps you'd like to rethink your story?"

Oh, boy. People were asking for too much honesty from me today. Didn't they know I was a compulsive liar? As I stared at Sam, I felt the air move behind me, and threw myself and Bella flat against the ground. She said 'woof'. I hoped I'd never hear her say 'woof ' again.

Jacob missed. Seth pounced on him, thinking madly, "Let Edward explain!" Yes, let Edward explain. Okay, I would adjust to this honesty thing.

"Don't hurt us! I swear, I didn't mean for this to happen. But Charlie shot me and the bullet rebounded into him. He was dying and we had to save him. And Carlisle said we couldn't leave Bella human or her father would kill her. We'll take them far away, I promise. We won't let them hurt anyone. You know the Cullens supervise their newborns. We don't harm humans. We're not about to start now."

"You changed your future father-in-law into a leech?" Leah thought incredulously. "Most people I know wouldn't want their in-laws around forever."

"Speak for yourself, Leah. We weren't ready to lose Charlie today," I snarled.

"No matter. The treaty's broken. Time to kill some bloodsuckers," Jacob suggested. He crouched and prepared to lunge. Leah copied him. Bitch. Literally.

So I panicked. I was apparently not so willing to martyr myself and my mate after all. I whistled shrilly, and the cavalry came running. My parents, Alice, and Rose surrounded us, growling protectively. Jacob and Leah took a step back. Five of us against three of them. I couldn't see Seth attacking us unless Sam forced him to do it. And he was lying down, licking his back foot. The pack didn't like the odds.

"Hey, we can discuss this, okay? No need for any more blood to be spilled," Sam protested, his eyes flickering back and forth between us all.

"Yes, let's discuss it, Sam. Perhaps you could phase so everyone can hear? I seem to be under-dressed for this occasion. It only seems fair that you join the club."

Sam ran around in a big doggie circle and phased to human. Alice and Rose eyed him, smirking. _He's __not as big as Em_, Rose thought. _He's no match for Jazz_, thought Alice. Speaking of which, where were my brothers in the clinch? I supposed Em was hiding Charlie somewhere. But Jasper? Where was he?

"We are sorry to have violated the treaty," Carlisle said calmly. "It was unintentional. We couldn't let Charlie die. He didn't want to die. He chose to become one of us."

"So, he chose undeath?" _Thank the Creator_, Sam thought. Seth heaved a sigh of relief.

"Yes. We'd _never_ force anybody into this life," Carlisle huffed, offended.

"And Bella?" Sam checked, looking down at my girl.

"I wanted this. It would have happened eventually anyway. I love him," Bella spoke from between gritted teeth.

"Okay. We're done here. C'mon guys. Emily's making steaks with fried onions and peppers tonight." Seth and Leah exclaimed appreciatively.

"Bye, bye Cullens. Have a nice weekend." Sam waved and walked away, singing "The sun'll come out, tomorrow, Bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow, there'll be sun...". Seth and Leah trotted alongside, tails wagging.

Jacob stood looking after the trio incredulously. _What the fuck?_ he thought.

Jacob turned and looked at us. He deliberated whether he should attack me, knowing it would start a war. Then he thought about how he was still a virgin, and didn't want to go to the grave that way. He stood there and looked mournfully at Bella. _Well, I'll just have to find somebody else to deflower me. Ya win some, ya lose some. Bells is too old for me, anyhow. And she already stinks. Stupid bloodsucker. Guess I should say goodbye before it gets any worse. _

_That okay, leech?_

I nodded at Jacob. "Just be careful, pup. If you make any sudden moves, you'll be picking up your throat off the ground."

"Sure, sure." he thought. Jacob padded over to Bella and looked her in the eye. Bella was sweating and shuddering. She didn't look good. Yet. I watched Jacob watch her. He whined for attention, and Bella opened her eyes and gazed at him.

"Jacob wants to say goodbye," I informed Bella.

"Bye Jake. Be happy. I am fine. I wish you love." Bella sucked in a stuttering breath and shut her eyes. Jacob sought my permission, then licked Bella's face from bottom to top. _Ick_, he thought. But Bella would never know that he said that. I'd let her think she didn't repulse him. Bella chuckled through the pain. "Gross, Jake. Be good."

Jake smiled his goofy dog smile and gallumphed away. His thoughts trailed behind. _Shit. He's got it all, damn it. Money, looks, the girl, and his limp manhood is bigger than my stiffy. _ I looked down at my mate, smirking. I sniffed and wrinkled my nose. Bella stank of wet dog and anal dog musk. I had to get my fiancee clean, as soon as possible.

"Can we go home?" I asked Carlisle quietly.

"We have to sneak back here and burn down the Swan house before the neighbours come home from work. We'll try to salvage some pictures and personal items first. Time to move town. But yes, we can go home now. We need to start making arrangements."

"I don't suppose there's any chance of retrieving a pair of shorts or something out of that rubble," I mused. Crap. Mr. Ed exposed in front of all the female relatives. Why me? I pinched the bridge of my nose. Something was pushed into my hand. I opened my eyes and found Emmett towering over me. He'd brought Charlie back from wherever he'd stashed him. My mate's father was now cradled in Rosalie's arms. She sat cross-legged on the ground not far from me and Bella.

I took the item. Black cotton boxers festooned with Yogi Bear and Boo Boo. I looked at Emmett in disbelief. He shrugged and smirked. Oh, well. Any port in a storm. I slipped them on, nodding my thanks.

A huge rumbling tore down the nearby road, and tires screeched to a halt. Jasper, on the Ducati. The engine turned off.

Jasper barrelled into the forest on foot, knocking down six sitka spruces and a redwood before skidding to a halt in front of us.

"Where the hell have you been!?" Carlisle yelled.

"I was taking a break from the general insanity. I was halfway to Alaska when Alice called and said I needed to come home. Sorry I'm late. Did I miss anything important?" Jasper looked from face to face. He froze when he got to Charlie.

As slowly as the victim in any horror movie, Jasper moved his stricken gaze from Charlie to me. His mind was blank. I was sitting innocently on the ground, rocking my limp lover in gentle rhythm while I hummed to her. Jasper, for some reason known only to him and God, started screaming like a little girl. Then, he sobbed and pointed an accusatory finger at me.

"You. You you you... monkey. You've gone over to the dark side!" he wailed.

Huh?

"Jazz," Alice said, trying to grab his attention.

"Not now, Lis." She lapsed into silence at his side.

Jazz paced back and forth jerkily. There were tears in his voice. "I _trusted_ you. I_ rooted_ for you. Your control has been phenomenal for two years. Interacting with Bella has been a snap for you. I wanted to be like you. And now, this?! You killed Bella and hurt Charlie? I can't believe this. I _can't_. If alcohol worked on me I'd take up drinking."

"Hold up, brother. Bella's not dead. Feel her emotions, goof. She's changing, that's all."

"But your eyes..." Jazz looked at me fearfully.

"Jasper, I bit two humans. That's bound to leave evidence.

Jasper hunkered down to whisper silently in my ear, "Edward, your eyes are burgundy."

"I swallowed, Jazz, but I swear I didn't suck. Much."


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3: Epilogue: If You Thought It Was Tough Being Grounded By Charlie, You Never Met Esme**

**All belongs to Stephenie Meyer. I'm just messing with her peeps.**

**Edward's pov:**

The toughest part of being vampires was, always, coming up with the cover story. This time, we had a great one, and we didn't even put it about ourselves. It kinda evolved naturally when a nosey townswoman, by the name of Stanley, accidentally discovered the collapsed Swan house before we had a chance to incinerate the evidence.

Incidentally, I never have received an explanation as to why everyone didn't simply come in the Swans' front door.

Back to the story. Mrs Bigears had discovered my siblings picking through the rubble and had bee-lined for The Pixie, said little one being the individual pegged as most likely to dish to the town gossip. My siblings congregated, and invented the story on their feet. And it was a dilly of a story. I was proud of them.

It quickly spread through two states (Washington and Montana) that some manner of sink hole had swallowed the unstable house. Mrs Stanley's grapevine was first class.

Charlie and Bella, it was reported, had luckily been upstairs at the time and had been found by me and my brothers in the top layer of debris. The fortunate-to-be-alive pair were, however, badly injured and had been flown to the Mayo clinic in Florida.

The town's neighbourliness kicked into overdrive. As my new family burned its way into immortality, we had people going out of their way to do nice things for us. It let us off the hook for doing unpleasant chores.

The Webers' church sent over a steady supply of people food, not that it was any use, but it was kindly meant by the parishioners. We froze the food and decided to find a place to donate it before leaving town.

Constable Mark was elevated meteorically to the position of Police Chief, so law and order trudged along uncontested.

Local workmen were glad to don their hard hats, bring heavy equipment and dig through the rubble for salvageable possessions. As Bella had told us precisely where items like photo albums, papers, wallets and keys were kept, it was not long before we had some important items to restore to Bella and Charlie.

So things were going remarkably well. My siblings were able to go about their normal weekend business, and I was able to babysit Bella and Charlie, who were remarkably stoic patients. They both fell into the serious stage of the burning on Saturday afternoon. Conversation ceased as they submitted to the pain, and things were moving along rapidly, probably because the pain was welcome, as an instrument of change. I was happy as a clam. The only fly in the ointment was Esme.

Mother Cullen was still in a foul mood. She was under the impression that a lot of important people were missing out on a very posh wedding, and that the entire group of Cullens would have to move house much sooner than anticipated. She was also of the opinion, that having been thinking with the wrong head, I was very lucky to have an extremely accommodating spouse.

The sympathy for Bella, however, did not translate into any mercy for us. Esme was still banging on, every five minutes, about grounding us as soon as inhumanly possible. Things _could_ have gone horribly wrong, she maintained, and I was not to be forgiven just because they_ hadn't_.

When Carlisle protested, he was reminded succinctly that the last time I had stepped outside the parameters set by our beloved leader, 741 humans had bitten the biscuit. And Carlisle had accepted me back like the Prodigal, with no consequence for my rebellious behaviour. So this time, Esme vowed, her red-eyed son was going to be made accountable.

I had received my ass-kicking. It was delivered in front of the entire family so I could not resist. And I dreaded what would happen when Esme tried it out on Bella. It was likely to be an unnerving experience.

On Sunday afternoon, Charlie zipped through the gate to immortality with aplomb. My brothers took him hunting, and he took a shine to Jasper. They were both interested in guns, troop discipline, service to their country and hunting. They were destined to be best friends.

It was weird seeing Charlie with the bright red eyes. Almost as weird as seeing my own burgundy ones in the mirror. I didn't like it. I didn't look like myself. I was apprehensive. Would I frighten Bella when she saw me?

My parents and my sisters were sitting with me when the new, improved Bella woke up on Sunday evening. I only had time to say, "Hello, Beautiful" before I was pinioned beneath her with her tongue down my throat. Mr. Ed was overjoyed. However, Esme chose this inopportune moment to remind Bella that we were grounded and there would be 'none of that'. Why? Because she said so.

To say Bella was unimpressed would be a massive understatement. Esme's head was lying out on the back lawn before the rest of us were able to wrestle Bella into submission. Carlisle quickly reassembled his spouse, muttered that Bella would be taking over his job if he weren't careful, and took Esme to recover in bed.

The disruption to Mother's vocal cords, which rendered her temporarily unable to rant, was a blessing. My mate was so smart. And our compassionate leader declared that everybody should stay the hell out of the way of Bella's mercurial temper, and let me handle her. Which I did. Enthusiastically. You might say I threw my whole self into the job. Being a Newborn Wrangler was fun. I don't know why Jazz hadn't liked doing it.

Being an invalid, unable to move, while being brought tales of Charlie and Bella's first accomplishments, softened Esme's attitude. Bella apologized contritely for her fit of rage, and Esme conceded that provoking a horny newborn _might_ have been unwise. Mother decided that we had learned our lesson and released us from our grounding.

The truth was, however, that nobody _could_ handle Bella but me. She was a very demanding, opinionated newborn. Who woulda thunk? But all I had to do was mention a little alone time, and Bella's preoccupation would go straight out the window. She'd instantly forget whatever she was scrapping about. Mr. Ed was in heaven. It was a win-win situation, and it was fortunate I could control my mate, since she manifested the ability to temporarily short-circuit other vampires' abilities.

Carlisle declared that since everything was going so swimmingly, we would stay in Forks for a few more years as was the original plan. The family rejoiced. Cloudy weather for three more years. Heavenly.

We were married four days after Bella's rebirth. We got a license off the internet, and Emmett read the vows. He did a surprisingly good job, knowing his head would be the next to lie in the dirt if he failed to behave himself. The idiot-head was petrified of Bella ever since he had lost the arm-wrestling match that he suggested in order to test her strength.

Mercifully, Emmett's arm had been recovered out in the rainforest three days after the match.

Six months after the change, Bella's talent was put to effective use. I say _effective_, not necessarily _good_. Aro of the Volturi had seen fit to send Jane and Demetri to check up on Bella. Admiration of my red eyes did not dissuade Jane from demonstrating her appallingly bad manners. As per usual, the nasty female deemed the visit a good opportunity to use her talent on me. Bella objected. Vehemently. By the time we caught up with my mate, she was holding a match over Jane and Demetri's shredded remains.

Bella had finally put the chipper-shredder to use. I made a mental note to have it relocated forthwith, so that Bella could not use it on an unsuspecting family member.

Right in the middle of my family's attempt to wrestle control of the matches from Bella's terrifying, murderous clutches, I stepped up and whispered an invitation to the bedroom in her ear. My wife demurely handed the matches to Carlisle, who placed a shaking hand upon his distraught brow. Then the darling hoisted me aloft, kidnapping me.

Bella had her wicked way with me out in the middle of nowhere for the next 18 months, during which time she denied me any contact with the family. Even Alice was surprised when we eventually turned up at the house like a couple of scruffy, bad pennies. But we were welcomed home affectionately and re-assimilated into the household routine.

I loved my life. My status in the family was greatly enhanced, and the perks that went along with the position of husband were fantastic. Mr. Ed eventually learned to put Bella first, and she obviously appreciated his good manners.

As for Jane and Demetri, Carlisle pulled all their bits out of the machine, and left them on a nice tarp in the garage to reassemble themselves. The bits were too small for even a doctor to figure out. Carlisle went in a couple of times a day to lecture them on the foolhardiness of challenging the Cullen family, and the benefits of working in tandem for the benefit of immortals everywhere. A month later, he patted them on their bottoms and sent them home to Aro.

So life was good, everyone was happy, and the former drudgery of my existence never returned. The Cullen Clan stayed in Forks until 2008, before moving on to Peggy's Cove.

But that's another story.


End file.
